Emotional and Psychological Control | Freedom Starts in How We Treat Each Other
The Kind of Abuse That Doesn’t Leave Bruises
There was a time in my life when I was in a relationship that slowly chipped away at who I was. It wasn’t loud or obvious. It was confusion, control, and walking on eggshells, the kind of harm that hides behind charm and logic.
The harm was mostly of it was psychological and emotional. It was the kind that rewires your brain to question your own memory, to apologize for things you didn’t do, to believe that love means earning peace. That kind of abuse is harder to name because it doesn’t leave bruises anyone can see.
When You Don’t Realize It’s Abuse
What made it even more complicated was that I didn’t realize I was being abused. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, it can take an average of seven attempts to leave before a survivor is able to stay away for good.
I understand why. Emotional and psychological abuse create trauma bonds that can feel like love, safety, or responsibility. I didn’t fully see it for what it was until I was outside of it and the fog began to clear.
When You Speak and People Turn Away
When I finally spoke up about what had really been happening, people I thought were friends, people who knew me as emotionally intelligent and self-aware, didn’t believe me.
Instead, they questioned my stability, analyzed my tone, told me I must have “played a part,” or that “it takes two.” Some avoided me entirely because it made them uncomfortable to see someone they knew name something real.
I wasn’t the first, second, or third person to name his harm. At this point, those who continue to excuse or enable him are, from my perspective, complicit.
Oxford Dictionary Definition of Complicit “Involved with others in an illegal activity or wrongdoing.”
By the time someone looks “crazy,” they’ve often spent years being gaslit, blamed, and made to feel responsible for everything that went wrong. That shaking isn’t madness. It is a body trying to find safety after too long in survival mode.
The Irony of a “Liberty” Movement
The deepest irony is that all of this unfolded inside a movement that claimed to stand for liberty, a space that talked about freedom, autonomy, and truth while practicing the same power-over dynamics that fuel every other system of abuse.
The same silencing. The same image management. The same rewriting of reality to protect the abuser and punish the one who names it.
If I truly want to be free from the abuse of the state, I have to first understand how control, coercion, and manipulation operate in my relationships. That is where it starts. That is what builds the systems we claim to resist.
Reclaiming My Definition of Freedom
The calm one is not always the honest one.
The emotional one is not always the problem.
I do not share this for sympathy. I share it because too many people are still living this story and being doubted while they do.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
If someone you love seems unlike themselves, withdrawn, reactive, or anxious, please listen deeper.
Sometimes the one who looks broken is just someone trying to rebuild.
And for those who think reconciliation is always the answer, hear me clearly. I will never again sit at a table where my pain is treated as a debate. I will burn every bridge that suggests I should “talk it out” with someone who abused me for ten years. I have spent too long untangling manipulation from accountability, and I am done teaching people the difference.
If You Recognize Yourself Here
If you are reading this and something inside you feels unsteady, pay attention to that feeling. You don’t need visible proof for your pain to matter. Abuse that happens in the mind and heart still counts.
Here are a few gentle starting points that helped me begin to see clearly again:
Keep a private record. Write down what happens, how you feel, and how they respond. Seeing patterns on paper can help you trust your own memory again.
Reach out for perspective, not permission. Talk with a trusted friend, therapist, or advocate who will not minimize what you say. You are not overreacting.
Call for confidential support. In the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or by texting START to 88788. They understand that emotional and psychological abuse are real and serious.
Reclaim small choices. Wear what you want. Spend an hour without explaining where you are. Each act of autonomy helps rebuild the part of you that knows you deserve safety.
Know that leaving is a process. You don’t have to have all the answers or take every step today. You only have to begin to believe that you deserve peace.
You are not alone. You are not dramatic. You are not crazy. You are not broken.
💜 Resources
If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional, physical, or psychological abuse:
U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline: thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text: START to 88788
TTY (for Deaf or Hard of Hearing): 1-800-787-3224
International Directory: [findahelpline.com], which lists global hotlines and crisis support by country.
Find a trauma-informed therapist: psychologytoday.com → filter by “domestic abuse” or “trauma informed.”
Safety planning guide: https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/
Do better.
Believe survivors.
Freedom starts in how we treat each other.
💜