50 Years In, Still Learning How to Be Me
I am turning 50 on Tuesday.
It is a milestone I never believed I would reach, yet here I am, right on time.
For much of my life, I tried to “figure it all out,” chasing that mythical sense of togetherness I saw in others. Instead, what I have is something different: clarity about myself, compassion for my wiring, and tools that actually work for me, even if they do not look traditional.
The Late-Diagnosis Journey
I am one of many neurodivergent adults who lived decades without a name for my challenges. For years, I just thought I was too emotional, too empathetic, too picky, too forgetful, too messy, too much.
What I see now is that I was doing remarkably well, given the reality. I was navigating systems that were not built for me, without support from anyone, including myself.
Finding the right language did not fix anything. But it gave me a foundation. It gave me the words and understanding to create a blueprint for my life. And most importantly, it gave me permission to stop chasing normal and start building systems that actually sustain me.
Lessons 50 Taught Me
Accommodations Aren’t Optional. They begin with me.
Incremental Change Lasts. Small shifts build stronger foundations than forced overhauls.
Life Moves in Rhythm. I can weave routines into rhythms, not the other way around.
Rest Is Productive. Pushing harder is not the answer. Honoring my limits is.
The Fawn Response Isn’t Forever. People-pleasing helped me survive, but it does not have to define my next decade.
Right on Time
Sometimes I grieve what might have been if I had learned all this sooner. I wonder if I figured it out too late.
But I know that is not true. I have been on this recovery journey for a decade. I know how hard it was to reach this place of healing and self-understanding. I have learned through tremendous experiences, and I would not undo them.
They shaped who I am today. I am not late. I am not early. I am right on time for my life.
My Gift to Myself
My gift is permission:
To live in alignment with my values.
To laugh more often.
To keep showing up fully as myself.
To build a life that nourishes me while I work to support my community.
I am stepping into this next decade with excitement for what comes next, even if I do not yet know what it will be.